Stress snuck up on me.
I added and pushed and worried and worked and cleaned and worried and slept (a little) and then did it all over again the next day…and the next day…and the next day.
I thought that invincibility was my middle name.
I dialed the doctor at the first whiff of a stomach pain from Fiona, but ignored anything that happened to me.
I avoided looking in the mirror so that I couldn’t see how tired I looked.
And then I got shingles.
It starts like the flu with itchy skin and ends with a rash that burns through your body in shuddering waves. It’s as if my body screamed, “ENOUGH!” and shoved me to my knees in painful submission.
It’s probably sacrilegious to say that I deserved it, but maybe it’s more true to say that I shouldn’t have been surprised. Between Fiona not sleeping through the night, my Mom at Mayo Clinic, and the other stressors I put on myself, I have felt pretty beat up for a while. But what are you supposed to do? Even yesterday, in the middle of trying to distract myself from the pain, I found myself scrubbing the bathtub and having an audible argument with myself. With every scrub, I argued with myself, alternating between “What in the world are you doing, Rachel? This is ridiculous.” and “This bathtub is filthy. When was the last time I cleaned it?”
Did the bathtub really need to be cleaned right then? Absolutely not, but it’s a microcosm of the pressure that I believe women…especially moms…put on themselves. We have to contribute to our families well-being, find meaningful things to do with our time, take care of our kids and our extended families, and somehow keep our toenails painted? It seems impossible, especially the toenails.
I don’t have all the answers, especially not any that don’t sound oversimplified. Just stop doing the laundry? Take it easy instead of helping my kids with their homework? Don’t worry about my mom who is really sick? Trust God to take care of everything? The last one seems the “easiest”, but is it fair to ask God to just deal with it when you know that you aren’t taking care of yourself?
The burning in my back is a very real reminder that I need to figure it out.
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa
I’m so sorry you’re in pain! I once heard a story from a mother who was looking forward to a surgery she was about to have because it meant she would get two days in bed in the hospital. How insane is that!
We are our worst enemy when it comes to believing we have this high high standard that has to be maintained. I think about my own daughter. When I find myself expecting too much of myself, or making too many sacrifices, I think, “Would I want my daughter to do this when she is a mother?” If the answer is “Of course not”, then I know it’s time to let up.
Be as kind and nurturing to yourself as you are to your family.
Deborah,
Thanks for your perspective – I like what you said about projecting it on your daughter…it puts things into a different light…:)