I volunteered last week at our elementary school’s speech meet, listening as they recited scriptures, told fables, and recited poems. Carefully, I filled out my rubrics with checks and tallies, encouragement and praise. It felt familiar, like leafing through the pages of a well-worn book, grading presentations on a warm spring day. The speakers were pint-sized rather than gangly college freshmen, but oddly enough, they had very similar feedback.
Remember to smile…
Use your hands to engage the audience…
Add variety to your voice…
The comments rolled off my pencil with barely a thought, and I couldn’t help but think about being back at Cornerstone someday, teaching speech and comm theory. I shook off the feeling, and walked out into the warm sunshine to drive downtown to create seminar materials and MailChimp templates for Ben’s firm for a couple hours.
But then, two days later, I received an email about teaching in the fall, and I literally and figuratively, fell apart. It should have been an easy “yes”, because it’s just one class, a familiar gig, close to home, and we could use the extra money with all three kids being in school either full or part time next fall. But it wasn’t an easy answer, and I struggled to figure out why. Part of it was that I left teaching because it had become a physical and emotional liability, and I have been enjoying having my evenings back to work on things other than filling out speech rubrics. To go back felt like putting on a pair of ill-fitting jeans…uncomfortable and frustrating.
I have also been thinking a lot about listening for God’s will in my life, so that when He tells me to do something, I would just do it with no reservations. But…I was kind of thinking that He would ask me to do something a bit more exciting or at least more thrilling than teaching. Then and only THEN…I would dive in with both feet, be brave, and be courageous.
Instead, I cried. I complained. I waffled. I was incredibly emotional…and horribly hormonal.
But after a day of feeling equally sorry for myself and annoyed at myself, after a day of going back and forth between “don’t take the job, and God will provide a different one” and “take the job, because that is how God is providing right now”, after a day of swollen eyes, after a day of praying desperately for clarity…I started to get some.
What I found is that once I gave up on the notion that “there is no way I could teach again” and started believing that “God is big enough to handle it”, the decision seemed less threatening. Once I gave up my hold on what I thought was “right” for me, and opened up to God’s will, I felt much more at peace about sending the email with my availability.
The class may not pan out. Probably not, in fact. But this opportunity has been a testing ground, uncovering where I am weak…and I am indeed weak. Just like Peter, who denied that he knew Jesus but went on to be one of founders of the Church, I find myself denying the faithfulness and power of God.
Hopefully, I will be that shining example of someone who lets Christ permeate every decision…someday…
