I had been looking forward to my trip to NYC for weeks. A weekend without responsibilities, without schedules, and without anyone needing their nose wiped. Mothering three small kids under six years old is a rewarding experience, but it is also physically exhausting, and I was more than ready for a break.
After weathering the long line through security, I spent some deliciously quiet time on my first flight reading (uninterrupted), got my seat assignment in Detroit for my next flight, and settled down to wait at the gate.
It was relaxing, and I spend some time writing a blog post that had been ruminating in the back of my mind for a while. The words flowed and time passed quickly. When I finished, I couldn’t figure out how to post it, so I decided to stretch my legs, get a sandwich and check in with my Mom, and be back in plenty of time to board my 11:50 flight.
This would have been a great plan, if my flight actually left at 11:50. Instead, it was actually scheduled to leave at 11:05, and as I walked away from the gate at 10:15, I had no idea that they would start boarding in 10 minutes.
Yep, I didn’t double check my ticket, and the moment I walked away from the gate, my destiny was sealed. After buying my lunch, chatting with my Mom about our weekend together, and meandering back to my gate to board, I realized that the passengers were gone, the door was closed, and the plane was pulling away from the gate. Huh. I quickly realized that I was out of luck, and no amount of pleading with the gate clerk would get me on the plane. She proceeded to pour lemon juice on the wound by telling me how she waited…and paged me…and waited…and paged me…to no avail. I either didn’t pay attention or I was outside the range of the loudspeaker, but whatever it was, I had ample opportunity to get back to the gate, and I just didn’t.
It’s one thing if something goes wrong and you can blame someone else for it. But when it is your own fault, there is no one to yell at but yourself. So…I did…vehemently and all the way to the rebooking counter. Thankfully, they gave me the “stupid passenger” discount and didn’t charge me $50 for the rebooking fee, but I think I did enough self flagellation to last a good long time. How incredibly stupid…how fantastically frustrating…how absurdly ridiculous…there weren’t enough words to describe it.
Even now, with the space of three days, I get a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about it. And why? Okay, so we got into the city a few hours late, but we arrived safely. We didn’t make it to the Museum of Modern Art like we planned, but we fit it in later in the weekend. No one was mad or frustrated…except me. But I still, for a lack of a better word, freaked out.
Maybe it was feeling out of control that sent me over the edge or maybe it was feeling like I had let other people down, but whatever it was, I want to figure out a way to avoid these feelings in the future…if at all possible. I can almost hear Ben’s voice in my head saying, “well, for starters, you can remember to double check your boarding pass before walking away from the gate…”. Okay, that may be true, but there are deeper things at work here. I keep finding myself being pushed toward the recognition that I need to let go of myself and grab on to God.
Let go…grab God.
Let go…grab God.
One of these days, I hope to be in a place where I can forgive myself…a place where I can be okay with a little more chaos and little less order…a calmer, more peaceful place…and if possible, a place where I remember to check my ticket…
– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I remember being a nanny and my alarm didn’t go off (I distinctly remember setting it) the morning the parents were flying out to NYC for the day. They couldn’t go. I was more devastated than they were, mostly because it was suddenly very apparent that I was capable of human error! It’s ridiculous, really, since it could happen to anyone. But I still remember the feeling in my stomach when I woke up that morning…..
I love your phrase “capable of human error” because that describes precisely how I felt!!