As 2011 begins, I find myself wandering into unfamiliar territory. On the outside, things might not look that different…same house, same dented minivan, same hairstyle (unfortunately)…but if you were able to peer into my mind, you would see that someone has ripped out the carpet and added a fresh coat of paint.
So what has changed? What did I leave behind in 2010 that made room for a new perspective?
The first thing that I left behind in 2010 was a job that I thought defined me. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in my short career, but by the grace of God, I came to realize, yet again, that it is not what you do that defines you but who you are. I don’t cease to be Rachel because I am not a professor anymore…I am and always will be Rachel because of who I was made to be in Christ.
The side benefit is that I am truly enjoying NOT teaching, especially as I remember the stress of teaching J-term classes and the craziness of teaching new class after new class. It has also freed up my schedule to help out at Ben’s firm, to pursue other interests like starting MomColoredGlasses, and most of all, to not feel so stressed out. Before, I felt like I was living with constant deadlines hanging over my head…preparing, grading, preparing, grading…and honestly, I didn’t always handle it very well. Now, my tasks are less time-bound, so if we get into a big play-dough adventure at home, I don’t have to cut it short because I HAVE to get something done before tomorrow. I can enjoy myself without constantly watching the clock. It has made a world of difference.
I also left behind my child bearing days in 2010. I keep thinking that we should be either gearing up for having another baby or weaning one, just like we have done for the last six years, but we have decided to stick to a family of five. I am still getting used to life without pregnancy or nursing; for example, I can’t just eat everything I see anymore, which is kind of a bummer. As time slips on, there have been plenty of bittersweet moments, like when Fiona and I are rocking in the glider with her head tucked perfectly under my chin, and I think…she will never be as small as she is right now, making me preemptively nostalgic about the hours I spent rocking babies to sleep in that same beige glider.
But the payoff is that it has been refreshing to enjoy our kiddos without being so exhausted from pregnancy or worn out from having a nursing newborn. I can wrestle with Parker, jump around with Fiona, and snuggle up with Madi without being physically uncomfortable.
One thing that I am hoping to leave behind is self-doubt. I would like to think that I have oodles of self-confidence, but when it comes to putting action behind my ideas, I find myself stalling out. When I wanted to launch MomColoredGlasses, I surrounded myself with people that would force me to keep me moving forward, because I wasn’t quite sure if I could make it happen on my own. Some might say that is just good organizational skills…I say that it was just survival skills, the only way to save me from myself. Hopefully, I will have plenty of opportunities to knock this out of my emotional repertoire this year.
The last thing, and probably the least monumental, is that I am leaving behind my former blog website. I decided switch blogging platforms, and create something that is hopefully a little more crisp and “me”. (Don’t forget to either bookmark or subscribe to the new address!) Hopefully, this also means that I will get back to posting regularly instead of leaving it to the last thing on my list. I feel like “Unprocessed Rachel” when I neglect it for a while, which is not the best place in the world.
So, here’s to 2011…untrodden paths…fresh and clean footprints in the landscape of my life…
