I stared down at my burnt toast. Typically, I would grumble profusely about the ongoing travails with our toaster, but today, I couldn’t even summon a groan. I just stared at it, charred frosting on a grueling couple of weeks, and wondered how I got to this place…empty, tired, and numb.
It all started with a tornado warning. I went to pick Parker up, presumably after the warning was lifted, but instead we all got stuck at the school, eating peanut butter and jelly on hamburger buns and cheese puffs while I fumed that they wouldn’t let us leave. Of course, I had just come from cleaning the house, so I was sweaty, smelling not-so-faintly of vinegar, and working through scenarios in my head if we were stuck there all afternoon. (Could Fiona take a nap in the teacher’s lounge?)
Then that afternoon, our power went out, which sent me scrambling to bring our frozen food to a friend’s house, dig out the flashlights, (one whose corroding batteries leaked all over my hands), and once again work through crazy scenarios that included no power for days, spoiled food, and daily trips up to McDonalds for food.
Contrary to my fears, the power was back on before bedtime, but then the next day, we realized that our freezer was broken. The very nice repairman, who told us two months ago that our stove was toast, informed me, “Congrats! You get to go shopping!”. Thanks, dude, but shopping for a new refrigerator when we are trying to sell our house doesn’t make my top five.
What followed was six days of throwing out food, frantic research, lots of restaurants, another defective refrigerator, and lots of bags of ice. Mostly, I just put my head down and worked through it, but there was one morning before Ben left for work when I shook my “whole body”, Little Einstein-style, in total frustration. “What else can happen?”, I asked him, not wanting to know the answer.
It would be nice if regular life had stopped, but it all plowed on…Halloween…and Grandparents Day…and launching a website…and running a 5k…and running around buying 20 lbs. of cashews and gummi pumpkins for 36 gift baskets…and planning the holidays…it was all too much. I started waking up with headaches and neck pain and started grinding my teeth again. I snapped at everyone around me and found it next to impossible to pay attention to what was happening immediately around me because my mind was so busy planning my next five moves.
In some ways, I felt embarrassed. My “hardships” seemed so trivial, so mundane compared to others around me. I had made choices that had put me on this busy path, had no one to fault but myself. I heard updates of a college friend’s infant going through chemotherapy and listened to the struggles of a friend whose husband is deployed, and felt humbled by my lack of strength.
But I have been reading an incredible book called Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist, where she paints a picture of standing resolutely against the waves of change, jaw clenched and feet dug into the sand, instead of giving into God’s plan and letting Him take you along His path. I could physically feel my resistance in every joint and muscle; my will fighting for preeminence. It was almost like God was saying to me, “Hey, you think you have all your “scenarios” figured out? Try this one…and maybe one of these times, you will yield to me.”
It is not an easy thing for me to yield control. I am just like my kids…I want to “know the plan”. But what I do know is that God is good, and the sooner I find a better way to respond to the twists and turns of life…not with gritted teeth, grim resolution, flailing arms, or not-so-hidden rage…but with quiet acceptance and reliance on God, the better off I (and my family) will be.
I can’t say I have it all figured out. I’m a flawed person who has a hard time yielding control. But last Sunday, we sang a song, “Your Love Never Fails”, by Jesus Culture, and the chorus brought the tears to my eyes as I thought about the goodness of God:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night,
but joy comes in the morning.
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails.
– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I have to check out this book because you spoke RIGHT TO MY HEART today. Thank you for sharing that…that is so me right now! (except I didn’t smell like vinegar and sit in the hallway during the tornado drill 🙂 )
Thanks Denise…I am glad that you enjoyed the post and you MUST check out the book. It is tear-jerking, convicting, and simply fabulous!!