Over the last couple of years, I feel like I have been shedding layers of tough, self-reliant soul-skin, rubbed raw by the experiences and people in my life. Vulnerable moments, painful conversations, life-changing decisions, paradigm-shifting truths, all chipping away at my gnarly exterior that wants to keep saying,
“I don’t need you…my life is fine…and by the way, keep your distance.”
A year of studying the journey of Jesus through the eyes of Luke, learning anew how the people of the Way are meant to live. We are designed to live in community, modeling the consistent and authentic life of Jesus, as he spoke loving Truth into the people around Him. That is our calling as well.
Finding myself in a place where I couldn’t be just “fine” anymore, even if that meant allowing myself to be vulnerable. Being prayed over while I sat weeping with big, gulping sobs. Finally learning that accepting help from your community is just as important as giving help to others.
Making time to commit to community. Not institutions, but individuals. Investing in others, one person at a time, even if it doesn’t fit my schedule, my personality, or my tolerance level.
Continuing to journey down the path of motherhood with my “board of advisors”, some on Facebook, others through blogging, some over the phone, and many more in person. With every question about how to get lip stain off of a toddlers face or pen off of leather recliners and every passionate discussion about constipation or screen time, I become stronger and more confident. Alone is not an option.
And just this past weekend, I found myself sitting a room of women I barely knew, on a bleak day where I was chilled to the bone, participating in a webcast hosted by (in)courage. I wasn’t sure why I was there, but as the words connected with my heart and the group started to share, I felt another layer of soul-skin starting to loosen.
The afternoon was full of beautiful words. I scribbled a sentence from Ann Voskamp, “The guards you put up end up being your own prison that keeps you alone” and circled it for good measure. I wrote in capital letters, “STOP SAYING FINE!” and gritted my teeth in determination. We talked about communities of prayer, the challenge to “do the things we are uniquely wired to do” and how we need to stop worrying about all the things we “don’t” do. It was an unexpectedly sacred time for me, unhindered by life’s distractions, focused only on soaking in the truth of using our words as “anchors in a storm”, and actively participating in community.
I left some of my insecurities behind in that room, replaced by the supple skin of Truth. Love God and love others, and do it well. It felt good to refocus on what is important. Not because it is good for me, but because it is what we are called to do.
Rachel,
I love this post! I wish I would have made myself leave the comfort of home to be there with all of you to watch the telecast. I too made note that I need to stop saying “fine!” Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks Katie…I am sure there will be plenty of other times to step outside the door. I feel like that is a daily decision…to stay isolated or to reach out to the community around us…and it’s always a tough one. Hope you were able to watch the telecast from home!!
Unexpectedly sacred; yes. Exactly. Who knew? God, of course 🙂
Of course…:)
How easy it is to stay in the world of “I’m fine”. I feel if I decide to be real my friends will not want to be a part of my life…but I feel if I am not real the same. So, I guess…I’m Fine!
It’s a tough decision to make, isn’t it Amy? I can vouch that most people feel the exact same way…
Can I chime in on this? My best friendships have resulted after we all decided to “get real.” While it might be hard to open up and be vulnerable, I believe the payoff is worth it in the end. Good luck.
I have been wondering how to get out of the isolated feeling during this time in my life, but cannot come up with any solutions. As I mentioned last week, I’m on the clock with Julian…it seems like if I do get out of the house alone, it’s for an hour or at the most, 2. That schedule in itself is almost suffocating, as you know. Top it off with a husband that works a lot of hours, and you can stick a fork in me some days. I feel like I don’t have much to give to anyone other than my little family these days…and that includes taking time for myself. Any suggestions?
I have been thinking about this all day, wondering what little advice I can offer, because I am honestly not very good at being intentional about finding time for myself. But what I can say is that I know what that feels like…and what has worked for me is when I force myself to schedule things in with other people. Then Ben has to be home so I can get out the door. Or if he can’t be there, then I have to hire a sitter. Then I have to go even if I’m tired. And no matter what it is…yoga, book club, a run, a whatever, I try to be present so that I get all the good out of it I possibly can. When I had a non-nursing infant, my commitments were more minimal…but even if I got out to book club…for an hour…I was able to feel like a person again and even though I was watching the clock and even though I sometimes walked in the door to a crying baby, it was still worth it. Always. If you need someone to set up a commitment with…I am more than happy to oblige 🙂 I’m always up for even hanging out at Schulers for an hour since they are open late or if you wanted to try out the book club I am a part of…or whatever else you want to do. Seriously. We wives of lawyers have to stick together…:)
So glad you stepped out in faith and found connections on Saturday. God had you there for a reason 🙂
Thanks so much…it was definitely a God-thing! 🙂
Pingback: Books for Mom & Giveaway: You're Already Amazing by Holley Gerth