Sleeping babies, cranky kids, and school days…

There is a communication theory called relational dialectics…it proposes that relationships are full of tensions. Connectedness vs. separateness…intimacy vs. privacy…stability vs. change. It also states that we are constantly trying to negotiate, through communication, the push and pull that inevitably surfaces in relationships.

It’s a relevant theory, easily applicable to any type of relationship. When I talk about it in class, I relate it to what is important to college students…friends and significant others…but lately, I have been thinking about how it applies to my kiddos.

It starts as soon as they are born. I remember working so hard to get Fiona to fall asleep, but then I would check on her over and over if it seemed like she was sleeping “too long”. In the middle of the night, I would spend long minutes hovered over the bassinet trying to feel her soft breath when I should have been sleeping instead.

As they grow and as naptimes disappear, the days start to feel longer and longer. There have been plenty of afternoons where Madi and Parker’s squabbling and whining makes me wish for early bedtimes. But then evening rolls around, and I find myself rocking a little longer, reading an extra book, or singing one more song, even with a to-do list as long as my arm waiting for me downstairs.

Next fall, Madi will be in school five days a week, which will take the tension of separateness vs. connectedness to a whole new level. She is so excited, and I am too…for the most part.. There is definitely a part of me that wants to wind back the giant hands of time to when I was her primary source of knowledge, entertainment, and nourishment.

As life continues, we will face privacy struggles during the teenage years, negotiate the change of leaving home for college, and deal with the separateness that comes with marriage. My hope is that Ben and I won’t forget the importance of communication through it all as we delicately balance the extremes. To find the sweet spot in our kids lives over and over…from those first soft breaths to that long walk down the aisle…

— Rachel