Finding Toeholds of Wonder

My Mom gave me a daily calendar for Christmas – you know, the kind where you rip off a page each day – this year’s calendar serves up inspirational quotes. One of the quotes from this past week really struck me and as a result, is hanging on my fridge. This is what it said:

“Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.” – Helen Keller

Can you imagine being Helen Keller, unable to see or hear, but still able to make this incredible statement? To find peace in the darkest places, to hear the beauty in the silent void, to rejoice regardless of your circumstances?

I’ll be honest…finding that “wonder” has been challenging this past month. And you know, I didn’t even totally realize how challenging it had been until last week when I sat down on the examining table at my midwives office, and she proceeded to tell me that I looked really tired and overwhelmed and asked me, in an incredibly kind way, what has been going on.

And you know, it wasn’t just one big incident or event that knocked everything out of whack, but it was more of an accumulation of things…coming off the holidays (which were great) right into my J-Term class, which I had never taught before, so I was up until at least 1 a.m. every night trying to make sure I was prepared…it was the two different chiropractors working on my back and one of them royally messing up my neck…and then pulling a muscle in my back (which was excruciating) right before the regular semester started and I couldn’t even lie down for two days…it was the internal frustration with myself about not being able to keep up the house and watching piles of toys and paperwork and to-do lists pile up…it was moving Parker to a toddler bed because he fell out of his crib trying to climb out one day…and having to put him back in his bed dozens of times…it was Ben having an extremely stressful month too with major changes at work…it was the feeling of being in a deep dirty pit and trying unsuccessfully to find a toehold to start to climb out…

And really, it is incredibly difficult to see what is happening at the time, because all you see is the immediate task in front of you that needs to get done…make dinner…play with the kids…grade papers…do the dishes…and you don’t see the big picture – the one that says you are in over your head.

So here I am…the month is over…I got my marching orders from my midwife (and my husband and my Mom) to slow down somehow, and I’m really trying to get out of “survival mode” into an existence where I can do things like relax for an evening and not feel guilty and have Ben do the grocery shopping (even if it takes longer).

And I’m looking back…to rediscover the wonder that happened along the way…things like finding out our new baby is a girl and more importantly, she is healthy…making pizza from scratch with the kids and ending up absolutely covered with flour…watching Parker and Madi do countless song & dance performances and clapping until my hands hurt…squeezing in an unexpected date night and being able to talk about things other than the schedule for the next day…finding out that my sister heard the heartbeat of her 8 week old baby…snuggling with the kids to watch Toot & Puddle…

This is the wonder that creates those toeholds to climb out of the pit – the things that give me energy when I don’t think I can walk up the stairs one more time. I just need to look for it. Circumstances change…bodies heal…but I can see how once you fall into that dark place, it is sometimes easier to stay there emotionally, and I really don’t want that to happen to me.

So, I am slowly getting back to some sort of “normal” – my back is improving, I am staying home more, and I actually wrote my thank you notes from Christmas yesterday. Plus, there is a beautiful light at the end of the tunnel…the end of the semester and the birth of our daughter…well, as long as I get to the hospital in time for any pain medication…but that’s another story…:)