I’m back…with a baby…

So I’m sitting here with my not even one day old daughter laying asleep on my lap, and what pops into my mind is retrospective sense making. Yes, I am still on medication…but the whole idea that you can only make sense of things by looking backwards? Very true.

I think about the last 9 months and especially since January, and really, there were moments where I didn’t know where I was going to summon the strength to make it through. In January, I pulled a muscle in my back, and I remember standing in the shower in excruciating pain repeating over and over…”I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

As I went through the semester, I was tired, sore, overwhelmed by the amount of schoolwork I had to do, frustrated that I couldn’t do as much with the kids, and just plain cranky at times.

I hit the end of the semester at full speed, totally freaked out that I was going to have to finish grading research papers in the hospital. Then, I totally…crashed. I couldn’t even function for a couple of days. And then Fiona decided to actually wait until only a few days before her due date, which gave me more than a week to catch my breath before diving into caring for an infant again.

Her arrival was entirely different than we expected (more on that later), and that brings me to this moment…making sense of it all.

Honestly, this has been one of the toughest stretches for me, physically, mentally, emotionally…but, also one of the most rewarding and learning times as well.

I had to learn how to give up my stubborn self reliance and ask for help…from God, Ben, my kids, friends, family and then accept it graciously. I learned where my limits were, and how far I could push them before my body just started shutting down. I figured out all the different ways I could hang out with the kids while sitting down. I had amazing students in my classes, which made all the late nights and tired mornings worthwhile.

And now I am here with my beautiful baby girl on my lap, perfect in every way, and everything else pales in comparison.

I am truly blessed…by the journey and by whatever comes next.

— Post From My iPhone