Dredging…leave it to the professionals…

Dredging. An excavation process to clear the sediment from the bottom of a lake or channel. Good for lakes. Bad for relationships.

Okay…I should make an exception. If you are in a relationship and there is an ongoing unresolved issue, then by all means, deal with it…bring it up…hash it out…dig out the murky sediment of bad feelings and get rid of it. I remember times where I just had an uncomfortable feeling when I was around someone, and I just had to stop them and say, “hey, what’s going on here…things are a little weird, and I was wondering if there was something I did…” (there have been plenty of times where I did do something…whoops!)

Where this relationship dredging doesn’t work is when there is an issue that was already presumedly dealt with, but it is dug up again from the sediment of the past.

The problem with this is that any time you revisit something that has powerful emotions attached to it, those feelings can surface with a similar intensity as when it first happened. I think about my grandma’s funeral and I remember the church, the cemetery, the lunch with egg salad sandwiches, but I especially remember how I felt…sadness, loss, a pit in the bottom of my stomach.

Likewise, with relationships, bringing up a conflict from the past is bound to bring back all those emotions that feel familiar in a uncomfortable way…like putting on nylons on a humid summer day.

Okay..I was trying to think of an example that wouldn’t do exactly what I’m saying NOT to do. This was rather challenging, especially because this post was inspired by a recent conversation that dredged up a conflict from about five years ago and ended badly. I think I came up with one that would be okay…it is from 14 years ago, actually…my first year of college.

I was an insensitive kid who liked to rearrange the furniture on a regular basis and paint random song lyrics and quotes on the wall. My roommate Lisa liked a little more…stability…so one day, when she came back from class to find the room changed yet again, we had quite the argument. I still remember it, mostly because Lisa was not someone who got angry easily, and because it really jolted me into realizing that I wasn’t the only person who was sharing the space and that I needed to be more respectful of our differences.

When I think about that incident, I can still feel the emotion attached to it…surprise, indignation, regret, a little bit of shame…and this was a pretty small issue…years ago. Elevate it to something more consequential, and when it is brought back up, the wound would be reopened and the pain would sting again.

Not a pleasant experience. Something to be avoided.

Dredging…leave it to the professionals…and for the local waterways…

— Post From My iPhone