My teeth hurt from my sinus infection, my ear is pulsing, and I can’t stay awake without the television on and a laptop in front of me.
I yell at my kids when I’m frustrated, and then get frustrated when they yell at each other, even though they are probably just copying me.
I have friends that I have all but ignored for months, e-mails that have been buried by junk mail, thank you notes that sit unwritten, even a sympathy card that is addressed, stamped, and sits un-mailed on the counter.
I have piles of outgrown clothes in the basement that needs to be sorted, salt-covered snowpants that need to be washed, and vegetable drawers in my fridge that need to be cleaned.
I started a read through the Bible plan on January 1st, and I’m already behind at least six days, my wallet is jammed full of ragged Christmas present receipts and I am entirely unprepared for the semester to start next week.
My treadmill sits lonely in the basement, my running partner and I disbanded because I couldn’t get my butt out of bed to run, and I’m not even sure if I could run around the cul-de-sac.
We learned the wrong words for the spelling bee, so Madi was completely unprepared, Parker forgot show-and-tell for yet another week, I think I lost half of Parker’s decodables that he was supposed to read…and the quarter ended today.
I feel guilty for putting the kids in after school care, so I end up taking the kids to Burger King for milkshakes at least once a week…sometimes twice….and then we get home, and I let them watch way more television than they should instead of doing chores around the house to help me out.
My word for the year was going to be “focus” (even bought a book about it), but I can’t seem to focus on anything. I’m distracted by the undone tasks and the mind-numbing television, and the urgent…always the urgent.
I was about two days ahead of myself, and then I got sick, and now I’m about two days behind, and I’m not quite sure how I will ever catch up.
How can I fit a doctorate program into this life that is ripping at the seams already? It seems laughable to believe that my life could get any more messy, and it seems selfish that I would ask my family to suffer the consequences.
I didn’t realize how much I relied on the interactions with friends and at Bible study during the day to help me cope, and now life is so different. I’m still finding my way at work – trying to build relationships – trying to figure out where I fit – trying to keep up with the workload – and it’s been hard. Relationships take so long. Too long.
I’m not normally a glass half empty kind of person, and even now, I find myself trying to find the counterpoint. The hope. The blessings. But for today, and maybe just for today, it’s being swallowed whole.
I’m tired, and sick, and my urgent list is too long.
I’m crying mercy. I give.