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[Lights come up on woman seated in a folding chair, brightly wrapped presents piled up around her. A slice of cake sits on a plate near her feet.]
Wow! Look at all these amazing presents! I can’t wait to open them! Is everyone ready to see them too? Got your cake? Punch? Feet up?
[Opens one present, holding up the pink sleeper for everyone to see. Setting it to the side, she stands up and walks to edge of stage, breaking character to talk to the audience]
Don’t get me wrong, baby showers are amazing. Who doesn’t love sitting around eating cake, playing “guess the melted candy bar in the diaper” games, and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the teeny-tiny socks and outfits as they get passed around the circle?
But to a sweaty pregnant girl, whose unborn darling decides to shove their foot into your bladder for the afternoon and whose maternity pants have wedged themselves underneath her belly in a wrinkled mess, this is what opening presents feels like.
[Sits back down and starts ripping through the packages furiously, faster and faster, throwing the outfits to the side without even looking at them. She takes a few seconds to gobble down a few bites of cake before tearing through the rest. By the end of the pile, her hair is standing on end, she's breathing hard, and she is surrounded by shredded paper and pink onesies.]
I think that’s it! Thanks everyone for the wonderful presents! Grab a goodie bag on your way out and have a fantastic weekend! Love you all!
[She slumps back in her chair, dropping her pasted-on smile.]