Parker.

I remember when Parker stopped napping consistently. I was pregnant with Fiona…over three years ago. He never needed as much sleep as most kids his age, and he made that abundantly clear very early.

In one respect, it was a blessing, because the most common complaint for “middle” kids is that they get less one-on-one time with their parents. I feel like we sidestepped that trip to the psychologist’s office because we ended up having more than our share of “alone time”, Parker and I, with Madi in school and Fiona napping. Lots of time playing soccer in the yard, making interesting concoctions, reading, watching TV together, and sometimes just trying to stay out of each other’s way. It has not always been easy, as someone who really enjoys having a few minutes to myself…by myself (who doesn’t, I suppose), and there were some days where we both got on each other’s last nerve.

But I honestly loved my time with Parker, the kid who loves to snuggle and play with my hair, who has no concept of personal space, and who adores music so much that it spills out of every pore. He’s particular to a fault, would rather stay home than go…anywhere, and could watch movies all day long. He wants to be a producer someday…or a stay-at-home dad…or both.

And he left me this week.

I remember being so sad and anxious about Madi starting school full time for many different reasons, but Parker? It is pure selfishness on my part. He is so ready for school, he doesn’t even want me to come inside to pick him up. When I dropped him off on his first day, he dashed over to the Gathering Place for storytime faster than I could say “don’t forget to eat your lunch”. I know he will do great…

…it’s me I am worried about.

I know – we will all adjust sooner or later.

I know – I will have many more “good byes” in my future.

I know – it’s just part of being a parent.

I know all of these things, but it didn’t make this week any easier. You don’t get to “take back” that moment of sending your kids to school for the first time, and it felt a little like cutting off my right arm and shipping it to China. The wound is oozing loss, both physical and emotional, and it is going to take a little while for it to scab over.

He came home happy…talking about getting “sparkles” from his teacher and flying on the tire swing. I was happy for him, but I was even happier to have him home sitting in my lap, twirling my hair.